"Smith! You better start working harder! There are many people asking for a position in this mill, most of them stronger and more capable than you are! Watch out, or you'll be out of here in a blink of an eye!"
Jason Smith's forehead glistened with sweat as he started walking even faster to the large pile of bales of cotton at the end of the large room he was working in. The breadwinner of his household, Jason had to work night and day to earn enough money to sustain his mother, father and sister. Both of his parents were too old for any kind of work and suffered from arthritis. His sister went to the village school, and was too young to work at the mill anyway. Besides, she was frightened of the older men who worked there. In reality, working in the mill wasn't too bad. He had mates there and got free meals. It was the constant worry that he would lose his job and that his family would starve in the winter that was unsettling.
As he mused upon this, a commotion began around him. The door opposite the cotton bales had been flung open and a man who was apparently talking to himself had staggered in. Jason sighed, walked towards him and gently tapped him on his shoulder.
"Excuse me? This is a textile mill, not your house, mister. You better get out before the authorities come," he said softly, not wanting to startle this bizarre man.
"Jason Smith? Is it really you!?" the man suddenly gasped out, his deep brown eyes shining with disbelief.
"Why, yes… how on earth do you know my name?" Jason asked, confused.
"It's me, Jason! Artie! In other words, Arthur Smith, your cousin brother! You used to come and visit my family and I when we were kids, remember? Come on, Jason! Up in London, remember?" the man asked excitedly.
Jason had no memory of this man and was about to say so when a distant scene rushed to his mind...he was in a carriage in London, when he was just a child, a carefree child with no worries. He was walking up a set of stairs into a grand mansion. He was playing with Artie and his tiny wooden cars.
He was having fun and laughing, something he had almost no memory of doing! In just a minute,he believed this man and trusted him.
"Artie! I cannot believe this! But…what are you doing here?" Jason asked, suddenly suspicious.
"Ah, yes. Forgive me for my apparently crazy behavior…I was merely talking to myself and trying to build up the plot of the story I am about to write. And yes, before you ask, I am following a career as an author and I have decided to write a small story about your little town. You know, what country life is like, etcetera," Arthur Smith said with a smug little smile, suddenly changing his manner of speaking , "how about I stay in your house, hmmm?"
Jason was expecting something like this to happen. What could he say? Arthur was family after all.
"Alright, Arthur. You can stay," he said with a cheerful smile.
Inside, he was already in despair. One more person to take care of. One more mouth to feed. Would Jason and his family survive the winter?
Jason Smith's forehead glistened with sweat as he started walking even faster to the large pile of bales of cotton at the end of the large room he was working in. The breadwinner of his household, Jason had to work night and day to earn enough money to sustain his mother, father and sister. Both of his parents were too old for any kind of work and suffered from arthritis. His sister went to the village school, and was too young to work at the mill anyway. Besides, she was frightened of the older men who worked there. In reality, working in the mill wasn't too bad. He had mates there and got free meals. It was the constant worry that he would lose his job and that his family would starve in the winter that was unsettling.
As he mused upon this, a commotion began around him. The door opposite the cotton bales had been flung open and a man who was apparently talking to himself had staggered in. Jason sighed, walked towards him and gently tapped him on his shoulder.
"Excuse me? This is a textile mill, not your house, mister. You better get out before the authorities come," he said softly, not wanting to startle this bizarre man.
"Jason Smith? Is it really you!?" the man suddenly gasped out, his deep brown eyes shining with disbelief.
"Why, yes… how on earth do you know my name?" Jason asked, confused.
"It's me, Jason! Artie! In other words, Arthur Smith, your cousin brother! You used to come and visit my family and I when we were kids, remember? Come on, Jason! Up in London, remember?" the man asked excitedly.
Jason had no memory of this man and was about to say so when a distant scene rushed to his mind...he was in a carriage in London, when he was just a child, a carefree child with no worries. He was walking up a set of stairs into a grand mansion. He was playing with Artie and his tiny wooden cars.
He was having fun and laughing, something he had almost no memory of doing! In just a minute,he believed this man and trusted him.
"Artie! I cannot believe this! But…what are you doing here?" Jason asked, suddenly suspicious.
"Ah, yes. Forgive me for my apparently crazy behavior…I was merely talking to myself and trying to build up the plot of the story I am about to write. And yes, before you ask, I am following a career as an author and I have decided to write a small story about your little town. You know, what country life is like, etcetera," Arthur Smith said with a smug little smile, suddenly changing his manner of speaking , "how about I stay in your house, hmmm?"
Jason was expecting something like this to happen. What could he say? Arthur was family after all.
"Alright, Arthur. You can stay," he said with a cheerful smile.
Inside, he was already in despair. One more person to take care of. One more mouth to feed. Would Jason and his family survive the winter?
This was a very different take indeed, Damita :)
ReplyDeleteHere are things I really enjoyed reading:
Jason's despair at being the only breadwinner and yet his resilience in sticking to the job. The use of dialogue was minimal but effective in building up a visual image.
Things we could improve:
Some grammar. For instance, it's 'You had better' or 'You'd better' which is the right usage. You can try and avoid using the same phrase/usage in a short piece like this.
When writing dialogue, close your eyes and think about how it sounds when you say it, instead of reading it. Do you always use full sentences and no contractions? No. Instead of 'I have' we tend to say 'I've' or 'I'm instead of 'I Am'. You get the idea.
Overall a very good effort and do keep writing. This is great!
Thanks for the advice on the dialogues Aunty :)
ReplyDeleteOnly when I read it now I realized. I will definitely use it next time!
PS it is really sweet of you to help me to improve my writing style so a biiiiiiig thanks!!!!
Selfish Artie.. Considerate Jason..Nice .. wonder what happens . Did the book become a best seller ? Would Artie share the money if it become a best seller. Food for thought !
ReplyDeleteSo true!
ReplyDeleteI think I would have created some incident which made Artie regret what he did and then decide to help Jason at the mill…all's well that ends well!
ReplyDeleteThe special one is Sukupa :)
ReplyDelete